Have you ever been jealous of a charismatic person with outstanding communication skills? Immediately get along with people you meet for the first time, move people's hearts, and change their behavior. Its ability is extremely effective in both business and private situations. Many would consider such charisma a natural talent.
However, Charisma is an acquired talent, according to Mrs. Peas, who produced the best-selling book "A man who can't hear a story, a woman who can't read a map." Then, if we have the right knowledge, we can increase the power to move people.
In this book, based on the essence of human beings, 28 rules for catching human hearts and facilitating communication are introduced. Because it is based on American culture, there are some parts that Japanese readers need to arrange when performing, but practical and clear techniques include many that can be put into action immediately. ing.
Some people may find it difficult to accept the human nature of the author. Even so, if you understand the essence behind the rules and can review your communication style, you should be able to elicit a positive reaction from the other person. From everyday conversations to business conversations, this book is packed with tips for those who want to improve their communication skills.
Main points of this book
In order to improve communication skills, we must begin by understanding and accepting the three human essences.
The greatest impulse that people have is that they want to think that they are important. A person who makes the other person think that he is an important person can elicit a positive reaction from the other person.
In many of our lives, we are often conditioned by others to "cannot". Get rid of old conditioning and develop your own "doing" habits.
[Must read point!] Three essential essences of human
I want to think that I am important
Communication ability may seem innate, but knowing the essence of human beings and learning techniques can enhance the ability of anyone to get along with others. To do so, we first need to know about the essence of humans. According to the author, every human being has three impulses and is driven by them.
First of all, the essence of human beings to know is that I want to think that I am an important person. This desire to be recognized and appreciated is the strongest urge to constantly spring. It is said that it will exceed the physiological desire as it is not filled like hunger. In other words, if you turn the inside out, you can get a positive reaction from the other person if you make them think that you are an important person.
The subject of interest is "myself"
The second essence is that what you are interested in is, above all, your own. What they are interested in is in the interests of themselves and others, not you. In other words, the priority in the dialogue is to talk about the other person. You should avoid talking about yourself unless you hear over there. If the other person doesn't ask about you, you're not interested in anything about you.
Knowing this essence may be disappointing for those who consider it a virtue to do something for others in return. However, even if you look selfless, the root of every action is your own interest. Even if you make an altruistic donation anonymously without a return, if the person is satisfied with the donation, it means that you have benefited yourself.
Therefore, it is absurd to ask others to act without prioritizing their own interests. If you want to accomplish something while engaging with others, you must understand that everyone puts his own interests first.
The third essence is "the law of returnability" that you want to return an equivalent if you receive something. If you receive a New Year's card from someone who has not sent it, you will want to reply immediately. When this lends a helping hand, most opponents look for an opportunity to give back. If you give a word of praise, the other person also tries to return a compliment. On the other hand, if this person takes an unfriendly attitude, the other person will also take an unfriendly attitude. If you feel that the other person has been insulted, you may think "I'll get some revenge".
This means that if you give out something positive here you will someday get a positive return, but if you give out something negative you will receive something more negative. This law rarely overturns. If you want others to like you, it's better to try to stand up to yourself.
Understanding and accepting these three “human essences” is the first step in gaining the power to move the hearts of others. In the following sections, I will outline the rules for getting along with others according to their essence.
How to make you think "I am an important person"
Studies show that complimenting people makes it easier for others to see them as empathetic, comprehensible, and attractive people. There are points to be complimented by any person, but in particular, I often praise straightforwardly about "behaviour," "appearance," and "property." Of these three, the words that compliment "action" are said to be the most persuasive.
If you call the name of the other party before the compliment when calling, it will be easier for the message to reach the other party. Moreover, adding not only "where" but "why" will make you and your words memorable. However, compliments and compliments that I didn't really think of could be easily spotted. This is because the compliment is exactly what the other person imagines, and no ingenuity can be seen.
When you are complimented, take it straight away, and thank you for telling you that you are truly happy. Too much humility may make you feel that you have rejected not only the other person but also the other person. The more compliment you receive, the more effective it will be to convey to others that you have a positive self-image.
Become good at listening
What people want to spend together is that they are “speakers” rather than “speakers”. I find it more enjoyable to have conversations with people who are eager to listen to me.
It is said that 40% of the people who visit the hospital want to see their doctor, not because they are sick. Most people, both angry customers and moody friends, want someone to talk to them about their problems.
In order to become a good listener, it is better to practice "active listening" in which the other person's words are rephrased and thrown back. This method also leads to confirmation that the other person understands what he/she wants to say. You will no longer be critical of the other person, impose your opinion, or get stuck in words.
Also, while listening to the story, make sure to keep eye contact and take a posture to lean towards the other party to appeal that you are interested in the other person. It's also important to wait unobtrusively until the other person has finished talking about the topic.
Become a master of everyday conversation
What kind of person is the story interesting?
People who are thought to be “interesting” are good at talking about what they are most interested in, that is, “the other person”. Here are three techniques for that.
The first thing to do is to be interested in the other person, and to think about how you can actively talk about yourself. Let's keep in mind that it is possible to get closer to the other person by trying to be interested in the other person rather than telling this story and letting them know about this.
Second, when speaking, do not use words that refer to yourself, such as "I", "I", or "me". When you speak with these words, the other person may feel that you are talking about yourself. Instead, paraphrase “you”, “you”, and “your” to put the other person at the center of the topic.
Finally, ask your questions about topics that they can talk about. Ask in the form of questions about other people's holidays, work, family, etc. that they might want to talk about.
Empathize with the other person
Most people want to empathize with others about themselves and their situation. If you use a technique called "feel, felt, found," you can convey empathy to your opponent and give them a positive response, even when they say something negative. Can be pulled out. "I know how you feel, because someone who had a similar experience felt like you. But he realized that if he did, he would work." It's a way to casually convey suggestions while showing as.
It can be easily applied in various situations, such as when a customer complains or when a girlfriend complains. What is important is not to try to protect yourself when criticized, but to accept the feelings of the other person.
Become a master of business conversation
Appeal to the listener's vision
Make good use of visual information when presenting business people. When using books, charts, graphs, and laptops for presentations, it is said that 82% of the information comes from the eyes, 11% from the ears, and 7% from other sensory organs. According to one study, the retention rate of information when giving a verbal presentation is only 10%, compared to 51% when combined with visual elements. Furthermore, with the addition of "listener empathy", the retention rate seems to reach 92%. If the audience, including emotions, can be involved in the presentation, the information retention rate will be maximized.
The power of the pen can be used to easily draw the other person's attention. First, explain what the listener is looking at in words while pointing the material with a pen. Then take the pen away from the material and bring it between your eyes and yours. The listener will then see your eyes. At this time, the other person is in a position to see and hear your presentation.
If you could get the audience involved in the presentation in this way, you could deepen the content more than just speak.
Subordinates scold in this way
Responsible people sometimes have to point out or scold inappropriate behavior or unproductive attitudes of their subordinates. Many people don't like or aren't good at paying attention to others.
So I recommend "sandwich technique". First of all, he praises the positive actions that the other party has done, conveys the main criticism, and then touches on other positive actions. By doing this, criticism can be softened.
Then, while saying that the person's humanity is liked, criticism should be limited to the behavior in question. In order to solve the problem, it is also important to use a communication method that asks for cooperation that the cooperation and support of the other party is necessary, rather than giving unilateral instructions such as "Listen to what you say."
Entering from the story that I made similar mistakes in the past is also effective because it makes it easier for others to accept criticism because of empathy. Then, scold only once and propose a solution in a place where no one else is. Thank you for your help in solving the problem and end the interview in a peaceful tone.
Replace the water in the bucket
Evict the "self" conditioned by others
We have been conditioned by many different people in our lives. From the people and media involved, most of the conditioning is subtle, repeatedly entering our unconsciousness and influencing our future decisions. Some of these conditionings protect us, but many impede our growth. The teacher says, "Speak only when you are pointed." A friend says, "Don't quit a stable job." The media issue the message that they must be slimmer. They tell us what they can't do, not what they can do. By repeating such negative conditioning, it gradually becomes a person who cannot "do" and is kept away from success.
Think of your current habits and attitudes toward life as water in a bucket. Others, such as parents, teachers, and peers, have filled most of the buckets. Next, think of each of the new skills and positive efforts you have learned in this book as a pebble, and drop them one by one in a bucket. The resulting flood of water is the current negative habits and attitudes. Eventually, the bucket will be full of pebbles. This is the property of your life.
Train until each skill is part of you. Then what you can do should become your new habit.
Recommendation of reading
This book introduces many techniques for facilitating communication, including some that could not be introduced here. Be specifically referred to in a variety of cases and conversation examples, such as how to ask questions that bring out topics from the other party, how to show consent to the other person without bending your opinion, how to behave in work situations, etc. There is. Through reading and practicing, you will be able to improve your communication skills.