【英語要約】NOを言える人になる 他人のルールに縛られず、自分のルールで生きる方法

Review

The author is a doctor who operates a clinic in Tokyo with the concept of "save points". During my mental health support activities, I face people with various "difficulty in living" every day.

Through such activities, the authors realized that many people could not say NO to the rules decided by others and society and accepted their own rules even after bending. They are patient and exhausted both physically and mentally. There is no happiness beyond that.

So how do you live your story with your own rules, without being bound by the rules of others? The answer is to become a person who can say NO.

Being a person who can be said to be NO is different from living selfishly and living on your own. The goal is to have a fair relationship with others.

This book introduces how to review human relationships, how to understand human relationships in the workplace, and how to redistribute time and energy so that you can say NO. Furthermore, it also mentions how to develop self-affirmation and how to grasp happiness in order to have the courage to say NO.

Everyone is scared to say NO. However, once you say it, it's surprisingly okay. Let's start by running away from the unpleasant things in front of you, rejecting unwillingness, or stopping what doesn't fit. That way, you should be able to live your way of life.

Main points of this book

Point 1

It is necessary to reexamine human relationships in order to be freed from the values ​​and rules set by others and society and to regain one's life and live happily.

Point 2

In order to reduce the difficulty of living, it is effective not to be "lineover" (= invading someone's boundary).

Point 3

Say NO to things that don't suit you or you don't want to do. The time that was born should be used to please oneself.

Review relationships

Freed from the rules set by others

In order to adapt to society, many of us prioritize the rules set by others and society, and live while pushing ourselves down. It's better for people who recognize that they can't say NO and that they aren't living like themselves. There are many people who do not even realize that they are overdoing and who are tired without knowing it.

It's still good while you are young and you can be a "winner". However, when I look back on my life after a certain age, some people find it awkward to realize that they are not living their lives. You will be shocked by the collapse of your identity, and you will feel a sense of emptiness.

Then, what should we do to be free from "the values ​​and rules set by others and society", to regain our identity and to live a happy life? The first thing to do is to rethink how human relationships are. Unfavorable relationships continue to rob you of your time and energy.

Protect yourself and others

In order to build a good human relationship, we should try to "be aware and protect the boundaries between ourselves and others". Don't let others enter your mind (body), body, life, or life more than necessary. Similarly, no matter how intimate you are, such as your family and friends, you must not enter into the mind, body, life, or life of another person or deprive him or her of control.

However, in reality, "my area is infringed by another person" and "I am invading another person's area" frequently occur. They say things like "This is common sense," "It's embarrassing to be a man's habit (a woman's habit)", and judge others by saying, "I can't use it" or "I have no talent." Isn't it? Remember, these are like getting into the realm of others.

Violations of one's own sphere and others occur because the "borderline between others" is ambiguous or not functioning properly. The author calls "lineover" when others violate the boundaries.

In order to prevent people from being overlined, it is necessary to draw the boundaries of the ego properly and to grasp (open) exactly the range that I should protect. Preventing lineovers is essential to reduce the difficulty of living and to live by your own rules.

Stick NO to lineover

If you have difficulty living and you feel that the boundaries between yourself and others are not well understood by you, or that the boundaries are not functioning properly, first try "lineover from others." Let's be sensitive to.

If you're sensitive to line-ups from others, the next thing to do is keep track of NO when you're line-overs, and stay away from your opponents who repeat line-overs. Here, we will introduce specific measures to be taken when the line is over.

First, consult a third party. Some people may not be able to believe in their feelings of "comfort and discomfort" and may think that they may just be overreacting. Then, get a frank and objective opinion about what you feel uncomfortable with.

Second, try to convey your feelings to the other person. If you feel that you are not offensive, or if you want to maintain a good relationship with the other person, try to convey your feelings honestly. It is recommended that you take the form of an "eye message" that conveys your feelings, with "I" as the subject, such as "I feel painful if you do that."

If it still doesn't improve, classify the opponent as a "NO" shelf. The opponent is "a person who doesn't take care of you". Put the other person in the “NO” shelf in your mind and keep a distance.

Be aware of discomfort

When you draw a line between yourself and another person, or classify a person who repeats lineovers into a "NO" shelf, "Do not hate people", "Do not say badly", etc. You don't have to get caught up in moral thinking like that.

Each person has different ideas and values. As different people, no matter how close they are, their thoughts and values ​​are also different. In that case, it is unavoidable to feel a sense of discomfort to the words and actions of others.

A feeling of strangeness is like a heart-beating alarm. If the discomfort is unacceptable to me, people will feel uncomfortable, uncomfortable, and disgusting with the other person. When the alarm goes off, you should think that your mind and body are sending out a message that says, "Stop and think hard."

It is troublesome to directly say "I am not good" or "I hate" to people who are not good at it, but I will admit that it is "I am not good" or "I feel uncomfortable" as a fact. When I try to assume that I'm not good at that person, there is always some distortion and stress increases. Even if I hate it in my heart, I just have to quarrel on the front.

[Must read point!] Live according to your own rules

Please yourself

In order to "live your own rules," you must first find something that does not suit you, what you do not want to do, and say no to them.

If it becomes clear what doesn't suit you and what you don't want to do, on the contrary, you'll also see what suits you and what you want to do. This gives you time and energy to please yourself. To live with your own rules is, after all, to increase the time and energy that pleases you.

However, there are some people who can't please themselves. "So I'm not good" is a person with a disease (DWD disease).

The story of "life" has "event" and "interpretation". There is one event, but its interpretation is infinite. For example, suppose you want to join Keio University, study hard, and win the pass. Many will interpret this as a "happy event in which their efforts are rewarded," and will position it as a successful experience, episode, in a life story.

However, people with DWD disease do not readily recognize themselves when they make a bloody effort and pay off. I can't affirm myself as I am.

Talk to someone

The first step in getting a person out of DWD is to recognize the disease.

First, let's talk to someone you can trust about what you think is "failure" and "it didn't work". Then, while talking, you may find that you are invaded by the idea that I am not good'', and pointed out from the person you talked to,That is not another failure, isn't it?'' You may be asked, or you may have an unexpected interpretation that you had a good experience.

Even without specific awareness or remarks, the experience of having other people talk about and accept your failures and shortcomings is valuable. With such experience, you should be able to affirm yourself little by little.

How to raise happiness

Find someone you really trust

The author himself is well aware that it is very difficult to say NO in the first place. "What do you say if you say NO and this person dislikes you?" "I wonder if I can never meet such a friend or partner again in the future." What if it disappears?" "I think we will be isolated from society and become troubled with our lives in the future."…Many people say that such thoughts are overwhelming and eventually say YES.

Certainly, if you accept YES instead of NO, it may be easier in the short term. However, the unwilling YES makes you tired more and more.

Then what should I do? The first is to experience. As you take on the challenge of saying NO, you gradually get used to NO.

At first, let's say only to those who think "If you say NO, you probably understand." As you experience accepting NO, you should be able to say NO to other people.

Do you think "I don't have that person"? Sure, it's not easy to meet a "really trustworthy first adult". The only way to meet these people is by luck.

However, the possibilities greatly change depending on whether you take action or whether you continue the challenge. Always sharpen your heart's sensor and learn little by little what kind of person is comfortable to you and what kind of person is not. Beyond that, perhaps the encounter with the "really reliable first adult" may be waiting.

Move away from "misfits"

Do you not endure various things, "because you are a member of society", "because you are an adult" and "because you work"? Of course, that's not bad. However, if you try too hard, the mind and body of humans will always issue a warning that "more operation is dangerous". Specifically, the symptoms are "I can't get up in the morning" and "I feel clearly depressed". Symptoms such as unexplained headaches and stomachaches, diarrhea, dizziness, and eczema often appear. In order to survive in a tough society, we will first be sensitive to these signals. And stay away from the causes of these signals.

In addition, "whether the experience time is long" is also one of the methods to distinguish "things that do not fit" and "things that are not good". I want to stay as far away as possible from work, places, and people who feel that "I don't feel that time is going to pass."

Find content that saves you

There are many people who save lives and hearts by contents such as novels, manga, anime, and games. People can find their place and understanding in the work, and see "I" in the person in the story.

The author himself has the experience of being saved by devoting himself to the game when he lost his loved one. Content saves people.

You don't have to think about anything extra while you are absorbed in the worldview of your work. So, by all means, if you feel that it is difficult to live, I would like you to find content that will save you.

Recommendation of reading

Life belongs to me, but I am afraid of being evaluated by others. Isn't it trivial?

Please read this book when you notice the difficulty of living and want to regain your life. It should be saved by the author's brush strokes that are close to each reader.

In addition to the summary, take a look at the chapters about working relationships and self-affirmation. It should be a step closer to "a person who can say NO" who is not bound by the values ​​and rules of others.

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