A partner who once loved and got married. However, as time goes by, many people are complaining to their annoyed husbands, saying, "I don't understand," "I don't have compassion," and "I'm frustrated when I'm with them." Is it because my husband has changed that this situation has happened? The prescription for such a worried wife is "Husband's Torisetsu".
This book is the second edition of the best-selling "Wife's Torisetsu", and is a long-awaited book that was released to the world in response to the reader's response, "By all means for my wife!" This is a book on "marital studies" that protects the well-being of the family from the passing caused by the male and female brains.
In fact, one of the causes of frustration for her husband is her wife. As the period of non-pregnancy continues, women seek better genes and new breeding partners. In the case of women, they try to go next because they are angry with the reproductive partner in front of them instead of having an affair. In other words, even if the husband in front of you changes to another person, that person will someday have a "time of frustration."
Communication that understands and respects each other is indispensable in order to overcome these reproductive strategy traps set by the brain. Although it is a "husband's Torisetsu" for his wife, knowledge about the mechanism of the male and female brains seems to be fully utilized in workplace communication.
Please read this book as a strategy book for living happily in the "70 years of marriage".
Main points of this book
One of the causes of anger at her husband is that she is trapped in a female brain trying to find a "better partner." The other is a misunderstanding caused by not knowing what the male brain is like.
The male brain rushes to solve problems without analyzing the process. However, it feels like a betrayal for a female brain who wants her to sympathize with her because she trusts her.
When talking to a man, it's best to start with the conclusion. If you need to talk from the background, tell them in advance that you will talk from the background so that men can listen without stress.
The true nature of dissatisfaction with her husband
Husband is the owner of "such a brain"
If your wife feels like this to her husband within the last three days, please read this book. "I don't have compassion," "I don't understand," "I don't understand," "I'm frustrated," "I don't make sense to be together," and "I'm afraid to be two couples after my child leaves the nest." Perhaps the dissatisfaction with her husband may be wet clothes. His terrible words and clumsy attitudes may not be a lack of affection or his own personality, but a by-product of masculinity.
My wife wants her husband to kindly listen to and soothe the terrible experience of the day today. However, my husband complains, "You are also bad." It comes from the love and sincerity of the male brain, who seeks to protect loved ones from danger.
If you find out that your husband has such a brain (male brain), you may unexpectedly feel that he is a kind and sincere husband. And if you master how to use "such a brain", you can expect your husband to become a kind person.
One of the causes of anger at her husband is that she is trapped in a female brain trying to find a "better partner." The other is a misunderstanding caused by not knowing what the male brain is like. The former is instinct and cannot be avoided. But for the latter, knowing the male brain can change the status quo.[Must read point!] Why are male and female grooves born?
Why my husband feels terrible
The cause of dropping a wife into hell is often not her husband. My wife's "female brain reproductive strategy".
Animals can detect the state of genes from the appearance, voice, and smell of the opposite sex. Then, he falls in love with a partner who has high immunity and is compatible with the gene, and tries to obtain the gene. In the case of female mammals, the risk of reproduction is high, so carefully select the partner and estrus. This is the true identity of love. I'm crazy about the other person for a certain period of time, but as time goes by without getting pregnant, I lose interest in the other person. If you are obsessed with someone who is not pregnant, you are more likely to lose reproductive opportunities.
When you give birth, you become more attached to the other person. This is because they will change to the ones who should provide resources in order to raise their children safely. In order to increase the viability of the child, the strategy will change to "thoroughly exploit from the person to be exploited."
In other words, a wife with a child has an instinct to promptly provide her husband with all of his efforts, consciousness (feelings), time, and money. Gentle for children, but strict for husbands. This is true motherhood.
And when the child walks on his feet, the brain begins to look for the "next reproductive partner." The primary purpose of living organisms is "breeding," and they are seeking better genes. However, the female brain does not express it as an affair. He gets angry with his immediate reproductive partner and tries to switch on to the next partner, using the irritating situation as a detonator.
Difference between male and female brain
Reproductive strategy traps are not the only thing that creates grooves for men and women. Men and women have the same brain and are born with all functions. But the tuning is different.
Functions that cannot be used at the same time coexist in the brain. By having a dominant hand, the side to use the brain is decided so that the stone flying in the middle of the body can be quickly avoided. Since human men and women have opposite reproductive strategies, this "quick judgment" is also the opposite.
The man went hunting in the wilderness and was in danger. In that situation, I was forced to produce results while instantly saving myself and my colleagues. Therefore, the male brain is tuned to look "far", point out problems at once, and hurry to the "goal". Therefore, he is insensitive to changes in the feelings and physical condition of the person in front of him, and suddenly hits the other person's faults. Also, because it does not analyze the process, it has a low ability to avoid a crisis and tends to be exposed to the same danger without discipline.
On the other hand, women who have been breastfeeding for a long time are tuned to look "near", not to overlook changes in the physical condition of their loved ones, and to sympathize with each other immediately. Therefore, when something happens, there is a strong tendency to talk about feelings. By eliciting memory with emotions, the brain can re-experience the process and generate awareness. Therefore, it is difficult to measure the distance to the goal, and it is difficult to say briefly from the conclusion.
The male brain rushes to solve the problem because it is the person who wants to protect it. However, the female brain feels like a betrayal because she wants her to sympathize with her because she trusts her.
What I want you to say is words
How to train a man's dialogue
Men don't know how to talk. Family conversations usually begin with a "priming". The priming water can be a topic that has no love, such as the contents of lunch.
However, when a man tries to have a conversation, he becomes like a cross-examination, "What were you doing today?" Cross-examination not only slows down the conversation, but also makes the other person uncomfortable. In the first place, Japanese men can't even respond well to the priming of stories from their wives.
The cause lies in the mother. The reason why overseas men are good at dialogue is that when they are children, they have conversations with their mothers like adult men and women. However, in many Japanese families, the words that mothers give to their sons are mostly purpose-oriented. For example, "Did you do your homework?" "Get in the bath early." In this case, the dialogue technique becomes an adult without maturity.
Both husband and son have the same tips to train their dialogue skills. It is to consciously have a "conversation without business". That way, a happy family conversation can be established even from casual questions. Let's have a patient conversation with the husband who answers "Huh?", "Separately", and "Why?" It's all about model, explanation, and training.
"Standard" feels good for male brain
It is also effective to make rules about what you want your husband to say, "In such cases, I want you to say this." In the author's home, it is a rule of thumb for her husband to say, "Are you okay? Poor" when the author is tempered. The male brain is faithful to the classics, and it is love to keep promises. At that point, the wife can believe in the love of a man.
The male brain feels that the "standard" feels good. The brains of men who have been in charge of hunting since ancient times control their brains and eyes so that they can instantly aim at something flying from a distance and immediately measure the sense of distance. You can concentrate on the distance with peace of mind because your surroundings are standardized. Therefore, it is good to make what you want your husband to do as a "standard".
At the same time, give your husband a "standard". In particular, "the moment you go out" and "the moment you come back" are important. Men switch brain modes at the front door. "Welcome" and "Welcome back" only keep calm with the same tone even during a quarrel. It's an important message to let men know that "home is a safe place".
On the other hand, the female brain tries to measure love by the other person's ingenuity. However, love cannot be seen forever between the husband who offers the "standard" and the wife who wants the "non-standard". If you measure love by such a thing, the woman will self-destruct. You just have to say what you want and what you want.
A man does not know that a woman lives with empathy
Male brain is not good at talking
The male brain is not good at talking. Even in a fun conversation, the brain becomes tense. A peaceful silence is indispensable to release the tension. From the perspective of a female brain who talks and releases tension, it will be difficult to understand.
The brain becomes tense (stressed) when the chances of survival decrease, and relaxes (released from stress) when the viability increases.
Women increase their viability by chatting and empathizing. Men, on the other hand, are creatures that increase their viability through silence and problem-solving. You will be released from stress when you are drowsy with a peaceful silence.
Women can become mentally ill if their husbands do not sympathize with them. A wife with a husband with Asperger's syndrome who has extremely low empathy can fall into Cassandra's syndrome. Living without empathy is so painful for women.
However, it is difficult for men who do not have a high priority for empathy to understand the feelings of such women. Therefore, when you want your husband to sympathize with you, clearly ask, "I just need to sympathize with what I'm talking about." Men are not without the desire to sympathize. You just have to change the priority.
My wife's story is a mosquito sound
The male brain becomes tense when nearby people chat. Then, it enters a mode that maximizes spatial cognition (strategic ability, danger detection ability). In order to concentrate on spatial cognition, the speech recognition engine is turned off because there is no choice but to disseminate the signal of language analysis. Therefore, my wife's story sounds like a mosquito.
The male brain begins to exercise its spatial cognitive ability in less than 3 minutes when it hears a story in which the purpose (problem-solving theme) cannot be found within 30 seconds of starting talking. It's not without sincerity and love, but to protect his wife from danger.
The only way to solve this is for women to stop talking "suddenly fast". When talking to a man, use two-step control.
First, go to a place where you can see the man and call his name. Next, wait a few seconds before getting into the main subject. Start talking slowly. As long as you switch on your husband's voice recognition, you can speak fast. This alone should significantly reduce the passing of conversations between husband and wife.
Let's say from the conclusion
Men are less tolerant of inconclusive stories. The male brain, which has evolved while hunting, is constantly searching for "where is the goal?" For example, if my wife's story begins with "Why don't you wash the big ones this morning?", You might think, "Is there a problem with the washing machine?" However, if it's a story like "It's cloudy from the afternoon and it didn't dry", it becomes stressful for men. When the stress exceeds a certain value, the voice recognition function is cut off.
Therefore, when talking to a man, it is important to speak from the conclusion (the purpose of the conversation to draw a conclusion). In the case of the litigation, "I have a story about my mother's third anniversary. There are three points. When, where, and who to call." If you say this first, your wife's story doesn't sound like a mosquito.
Also, in a business setting, it may be important to talk from the background, such as at a meeting to come up with a new idea or when a problem cannot be solved immediately. From the background, it is easy for the brain to notice the "truth hidden in the process."
When you talk to a man like this, you should say, "The story is not organized, but is it okay to talk from the background?" By doing so, the purpose of the brain is to "listen to the background", so that people can listen without stress.
Recommendation of reading
Perhaps some people have learned the true nature of "irritability" from the part taken up in this summary, and have changed the way their husbands perceive their words and actions. This book is full of reading points, such as "How to turn a terrible husband into a gentle husband".
Understanding the male brain is important not only for frustrated wives, but also for women with sons and women who are active in society. I would like you to learn the secret of smooth communication between men and women.